0 How to Face Social Rejection

Ever felt like you don't fit in with the crowd or excluded from the group? It can be a hard thing to face when it seems like everyone is against you and no-one wants to be with or around you. Even if you aren't used to the experience, social rejection can still be something that you fear and are not wanting to experience. The main thing that people who fear social rejection have on their minds is the fear that they will look stupid and will only embarrass themselves when they get rejected.
Here are some ways in which a person can deal with social rejection.


1. Think Positively

This is much easier said than done but is a beneficial action towards yourself when you are facing rejection. Instead of seeing things in just black and white such as: 'They don't want to spend time with me as they don't like me', instead of thinking like that think in a more positive fashion, for example: 'They can't spend time with me as they most likely have other plans'. Another one is when you are rejected just think to yourself 'it is not because they dislike me or because they aren't fond of spending time with me, they were most likely having a bad day and didn't feel up to doing anything'.

I know this looks as though all you are doing is making excuses for the person who rejected you, but doing this can make a difference to your mindset and to how quickly you can deal with rejection. You don't need to force yourself into forming an almost 'alternative characteristic' when dealing with rejection by overdoing the positive reinforcement as this can cause you too dwell upon it for longer, just think positively and get over it. You will naturally be better at dealing with rejection and thinking in a more positive light with the more social interactions you have. It comes with time. 

2. Prepare for Rejection

This may at first seem counter-productive, to admit defeat before you've even started, but really you're not doing that at all. This is once again another trick of the mind that can help you deal with rejection as let's be honest it's not the most pleasant thing to have to cope with. So it's not so much admitting defeat before you've started as it is preparing for the worst and hoping for the best. 

Rejection is always a possibility and so some people like to acknowledge that by preparing for it ahead of time so when the time comes and they do face rejection, they are already in a mindset to deal with it. Of course everyone is different and so this tip may not work for you as it may only make you more anxious about the situation, in which case don't apply this, but for the the people who this does work for it is of benefit. 

3. What is Rejection

What is rejection? It is a form of exclusion where one or more individuals deny you their company. It can be defined in much more detail than that but that's the basics of it. Okay, so with that in mind, is it going to kill you...? No of course it isn't, rejection is a part of life and everyone will have to face it. Yes rejection is a horrible thing but it is not the end of the world - keep this in mind. 
I'm not trying to play down how hard rejection can be to take sometimes, but looking at it for what it really is, which is the answer of "no" basically, can help for some.

4. Keep Yourself Busy

Another way that you can deal with rejection is by keeping yourself busy. Making sure that you are doing things to keep you're mind from referring back to that scenario often helps people deal with rejection, this is as you are keeping your mind busy and so not allowing it to dwell upon those issues that you can sometimes worsen through spending too much time thinking over.

5. Did You Experience Rejection?

You may be thinking, "well if they said 'no' then of course I've experienced rejection". Well before you jump to conclusions make sure you take everything into account. Just because they have said "no" to you does not mean that they have rejected you, they may actually have a perfectly good explanation to why they are not able to do something with you. That doesn't count as a 'no' but as an unavailability to do something.
Look at it from the bigger picture, just after rejection an individual may be kicking their thoughts into overload and are over-analysing and overreacting to the situation with thoughts like: 'my social life will never be the same again!' going through their heads, but by stepping back you can often get a much better grasp upon the situation. A rejection is not the be-all and end-all of a social life. It may not have worked out if they had said yes anyway as maybe you don't actually have that much in common, or haven't hit it off like you have with other people. Don't then change how you treat this individual and start to become a hater or theirs - this is going too far, just keep the bigger picture in mind.

6. Give Yourself Credit

It's not all doom and gloom and although you may be facing rejection, at least give yourself some credit for actually having the courage to try. After all you don't know until you try and so by having the guts to do so deserves a pat on the back. You are at least trying to improve and you can only improve by trying.

7. Get Others Advice

If you are constantly being rejected no matter how many times you have tried then maybe you are displaying a certain trait that is off-putting? Don't ask on forums and places such as that, as helpful as forums are - the people on there will not have first-hand experience of you and so the advice will be limited. By asking people who know you in person and interact with you often is the much better approach to stick to.
Be warned though sometimes the truth hurts and receiving negative feedback is not always the easiest thing to take.

Detail: How to Face Social Rejection

0 How to get over Shyness

It's a horrible feeling isn't it? When you are out or in a situation where there other people and you feel like you can't be yourself, where you would like to speak up or join in but can't because your shyness is holding you back. Shyness is not uncommon and as human-beings we all experience this, however some individuals are just naturally more shy than others and so can get theirself into a bit of a rut and aren't sure how to get out. Well in this post I am hoping to help and have some tips to how you can get over your shyness.

1. How do you want to Change your Shyness?

If you're reading this post then it's likely that you are wanting to know how to deal with your shyness, or at least certain aspects of it, but to what extent do you want to deal with it? Do you just want to be able to feel comfortable in places where there are large crowds? Do you want to become more comfortable with talking to people? Maybe you want to have a huge lifestyle change and become really outgoing and social? - in which case here are two of my recent posts that you may find useful: How to Become Outgoing and How to Get a Social Life.

Some people like to hold onto you could say some of their shyness as they believe it helps define them as a character, which is fine it's up to whatever they and you choose. 

It's important that you know how much you want to change as this will not only determine how much work is needed to be done but it also gives you a clear goal for you to focus your attentions upon.

2. Get Out of the House More Often

A common thing for shy people to do, and is something that I used to do as mentioned in point #3 , is to not leave the house. When I say this I don't mean that they never leave the house, they most likely will for example: shopping, dog walks, family events, etc. However for the most part they won't feel comfortable with leaving the house and will be happy to return where they feel safe.

When shyness causes you to retreat to being isolated inside their home, it can become concerning for your well-being. The reason I say this is that the more time you spend at home and the less time you leave your home - the less inclined you will become to leave. This isn't something that will happen straight away but can quite easily happen over the course of a couple of months or so, or sometimes even weeks depending upon the person.

You'll start to get into your own routine and go about it from day-to-day, which isn't a bad thing, but you will be a prisoner to your own shyness.

Leaving the house is such an easy yet hard thing to do. Easy because all it requires you to do is to open the front door and leave, and yet hard because you don't really want to leave and even if you do you don't know what you would do?

To leave the house - you don't have to have plans or have something that you need to do in order to do it, in fact you can just do something as simple as going for a walk. Try walking in areas where you know will have people in - the more the better, so for example: towns, cities, villages, the beach, etc...

It's making sure that you expose yourself to the outside world so that you remain (or get) comfortable with leaving the house.

3. Get a Job

This is tip is not meant to be disrespectful or demeaning in any way as I know that getting a job is much easier said than done, and also that some individuals are unable to work for particular circumstances. However, with that said, having a job can be a confidence-booster, especially if this job entails interacting with others. Not only can it be good for confidence-boosting but it can also be an opportunity to forge new friendships and relationships.

I can remember when i didn't have a job and what I was like then. I was already a shy and I suppose a somewhat insecure individual who really did nothing. I wouldn't like to leave the comfort of my house and would feel uncomfortable if I was away from home for too long, the only time I would leave the house would be to walk the dog and even that would be more time spent alone. The rest of my family would be out of the house working and doing things whilst I would just stay at home and let my shyness and insecurities become a little out of control.

It was weird because I knew that I needed to change as I could see that I was ruining my life by letting this shyness take over what I could and mostly couldn't do, and after about 2 years of this and my self-esteem and confidence reaching new lows - I decided to do something about it. I went job-searching!

I spent a good part of a day scouring for jobs and picking up application forms left, right and centre. Then once I was home I got to work on them. Of all the application forms I filled in, only one managed to get me a job interview. So feeling very nervous I went. I can honestly say that it was one of the worst experiences of my life at the time as I felt extremely out of my comfort zone. After the interview had finished I was hoping that I wouldn't get the job but a couple of weeks later I was phoned to say that I had got it.

At the start I felt very shy - I didn't speak to people and felt uncomfortable being around the other members of staff. I would never go up to the staff room for lunch like the majority of the staff do because I was too timid to. After some time though I noticed that I was talking to a few people briefly and was finding it more tolerable to be where everyone else was.

Now I am so much more confident. I talk to every member of staff, have made new friends, get invited to events, laugh and joke with them all, and feel much more comfortable and confident around people. I also make an effort to talk to the new staff who start, which to my surprise everyone else doesn't as they don't know what to say, but because I feel so much more confident I have become friends with all the new members of staff and have even done things outside of work with them.

Getting a job really did make a difference to my life and is a change that I am very happy with. 

If you are in the process of job searching and have managed to get yourself an interview then you may find these posts helpful: 10 Vital Questions to Ask in a Job Interview and 15 Mistakes to Avoid in an Interview.

4. Join a Club

A club is a great place where you can boost your confidence around others and at the same time enable you to participate in something that you enjoy. If it's a club that causes you to take-part and interact with others for it to work (for example: a team based sports club like football), then you'll become much more used to being around others which will help you to become more confident.

If it's a club you are spotted doing well in, then this will often lead people to see you in a more favorable light, which I know sounds bad and shallow but is very often the case - if you're good at something then people will notice and recognize you for something, and can lead them to trying to include you more.

5. Push those Insecure Thoughts Aside

Don't let those insecure and negative thoughts get you down. Shy and reserved people will often allow these things to fester in their mind, and the more that these thoughts are allowed to dwell there the more likely they are going to make you feel worse. When was the last time a negative thought made you happy?

Negative and insecure thoughts being allowed to linger in your head is really like being in a trap, I've mentioned this above when I spoke about how I let this happen to me, in that the more a person thinks about these harmful thoughts the more their mind will slowly start to distort and take them out of proportion - which will in turn fuel these thoughts to continue, which will then only make the person feel worse and so on and so on...

It's a vicious cycle that traps a lot of people and is often a very hard one to escape from. 

Conclusion

Shyness is no easy feat to get around and is something that will always remain with us, however, it can become manageable and I hope that with these tips and any others you may have that you are able to overcome your shyness.

Detail: How to get over Shyness

0 How to Become Outgoing

It can become quite easy over time to become an introverted individual, to not really leave the house spending longer periods of time on your own. Well this will not only have a negative affect upon your social life but also your confidence-levels and self-esteem. 

You may have once been an extrovert but now because of all the time you spend by yourself, you're now a shy reserved introvert who is nervous and/or uncomfortable around others. So as you become more shy and withdraw yourself from the outside world - the less you will want to interact with people which will only make you more shy and introverted. It becomes a viscous cycle where the only way to break it is to become outgoing. But how do you become outgoing? Well hopefully with these tips I'm about to share with you you will be able to become more of an outgoing person.


1. Attitude

The first thing about wanting to become outgoing is your attitude towards wanting to make it work. If you want to become outgoing but are expecting it to just happen like magic - then it won't happen at all. Shifting from an introvert to an extrovert is going to require effort on your behalf so you will need to have the desire and right attitude to want to make this work, involving doing something about it.

2. Smile at people

It's surprising how shy a person can become from spending too much time by themselves - to the point where they don't even feel confident enough to make eye-contact and/or interaction with a person at all. So with this in mind make it a new goal of each day to smile at at least 2 different people (excluding your family). At first you may feel frightened to do so, and it's not encouraging when the other person doesn't smile in return, but don't be discouraged or disheartened - over time it will get better and soon you will wonder why you ever made a big-deal about simply smiling at people because it will be automatic. 

3. Get out of the house more

This doesn't have to be for going to meet-up with people, it is so that you will become more used to getting out of the house and seeing others go about their daily life. You could try going to shops to buy something or take a walk through areas where lots of people are. The more you are around people - the more comfortable you will become and this will help with your confidence.

4. Say hi to people

A great tip to get you more used to interacting with others is to simply say "hi" to people. It could be to a person who walks past you in the street who you make eye-contact with, it could be to a person who serves you at a shop, to people who you work with, to anyone really. You don't have to do it to everyone you meet and is best that you don't as it could seem a bit strange. Just make it another goal to say hi to at least 2 people a day.

5. Make a joke or two

When you're around a person or people, allow yourself to make a joke or two. People don't always want to talk seriously and are often glad of some humour. You may make jokes that don't get any attention at all or backfire but the more you get used to making them, the more you will be able to judge what people find humorous. Then when you finally receive some laughs you will have a confidence-boost and this will help you to relax more around others. 

6. Start a conversation with someone

Now you can't do this with everyone because not everyone wants a conversation. For example: people who you walk past in the street. The majority of people who you pass in the street will not want to start a conversation with you as they are heading somewhere (although there are some that would happily start talking to you).

This tip is usually best when people are stationary or when something has just happened. For example: whilst at the bus-stop, whilst in a queue, maybe something has just happened near to you and others and you just simply make a comment.

You could start with a question (e.g. what time is the bus?) or a comment about something that could be on both your minds (brrr, it's cold today isn't it?). Do this a couple of times to the same person (different questions though of course) and if they reply with one-word answers then you know that a conversation is most likely not going to happen. If however, the person replies with a sentence or asks a question or makes a joke, then this is a good indication that you could probably start-up a conversation with them. 

7.  Further friendships

Try to further any friendships you have with people or with people you meet, or with people who you used to speak to. Talk to them regularly and get it to the stage where you are both comfortable talking to each other and can do so easily. Get it to the point where you are inside the 'friendship-loop/circle' as it were and are no longer just a friend who isn't involved. You may be asked to do something or you may have to ask to do something and if it gets you doing something then good for you. :)

8. Join a club

A club is a great thing to be involved in as it will give you something to do and will get you to interact with others or at least be around others. If it's a sport then you will definitely be interacting with others (well with one or two exceptions) and this will be great for your confidence. You may also make a friend or two at your chosen club(s) which could lead to other possibilities to do things. 

9. Give complements 

Everyone likes a complement and by giving them people will be more likely to give them back to you. You'll feel better for doing so and others will take more of a liking to you - which could possibly lead to conversations in the future which could lead to friendships which could lead to doing activities together. 

10. Be Helpful

Being helpful is another great thing to do to help boost confidence to be able to do outgoing things. If they seem angry it's not your fault - normally people get flustered in certain situations and find it hard to remain calm, so if they do snap at you don't take it to heart. You'll also get used to interacting with people you've just met which will improve conversation skills too.


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Detail: How to Become Outgoing

0 How to Memorise a Speech

Speaking in front of people can be a daunting task. You have to stand alone in front of a group of people, and whilst everyone may be encouraging, you can still feel the nerves eating away at you from the inside out. If you do have trouble speaking in front of people, then you may like to read a very early post of mine: Dealing with Public Speaking.

For other people, speaking in front of others is as natural as breathing and they excel in the spotlight. Having a speech already prepared is a great aid, having a speech memorised though gives the appearance of professionalism and assurance, helping to convince the audience of what you're trying to convey.

However, even the people who are gifted at speaking in front of others can have a hard time memorising a speech, and memorising it to a point where you know you won't forget it whilst in the middle of delivering it.

1. Don't leave it until the night before

You will find posts that tell you that you can memorise a speech the night before, and for smaller speeches this may be true, however for longer speeches, you're not going to be able to get to a level where you can deliver it with the justice it deserves - unless you have an eidetic memory or something. :)

A lot of these websites that exclaim this feat will actually have some good and valid tips about how to memorise a speech, but for a lot of us - not in one night. If we hypothetically say though that we can memorise a whole speech in a night and then are able to deliver it on the day word-for-word; if we can do that in one night, imagine how much better we could get that speech by tackling it in plenty of time before - hopefully leaving everybody else speechless. :)

2. Read through it aloud

Make a point of reading through your speech aloud at a steady pace. This will allow you to get a handle on how to pronounce it and tweak things that will help you to sound less stiff and awkward. Having a better grasp on your speech and reading through it aloud will make the process of memorising all the easier easier.

3. Repetition

The only way you're going to be able to get the speech into your head and for it to stay there is by using repetition. Each time you read it you are re-familiarising yourself with it. Try to read through it aloud 5 or more times a day, every day. You could do one in the morning, one at midday, one in the afternoon, one in early evening, and one in the later evening. Before you know it, you'll be reading parts of it without needing the written version, and eventually won't need it all together. 

4. Memorise sections

If you have a small speech, then you will probably will be able to start memorising the whole thing. However, if you're faced with a ten-page essay - you will need to break it down to more manageable chunks. 

When you have a section that you want to memorise, you will need to read it out loud a number of times through the day (basically the same as point #3). However, what's different from point#3 is that after every time you've read the section, put it to one side and try to remember what you've just read. Try to get as far as you can and don't look. When you can't go any further (even if it's only two words in), pick up your section a re-read through it out loud again. 

Leave it after you've read through it a second time. Later on when you come to re-read it - repeat the whole process. After a day or two, you'll be seeing some results. This is why I said that it would be a good idea to start preparing for your speech ASAP.

5. Mnemonics

A great thing you can do to memorise not just a speech but anything in general, is to use the technique of mnemonics. Mnemonics sees you link something to the thing you're trying to memorise to make it easier to memorise. For example; pictures are often a popular mnemonic as the visual aid jogs the persons memory. You could use visual aid prompts for each section of your speech. Every time you are trying to memorise a section, have that picture in close view to look at, or have pictures in a presentation when you're delivering the speech to help you. You'll be surprised how well mnemonics work if done properly.

Some other types of mnemonics involve using: sounds, pictures, songs, prices, acronyms, stories, numbers, phrases, the method of loci, and much more. 

6. Write it out

This may sound like nonsense but writing your whole essay out will help you when trying to memorise, as long as you are concentrating on it whilst you're writing it out. It may take a while if you have a long speech, but writing it out will help your mind get to grips with it better and will give you a better knowledge of your speech. Some people's minds memorise things better when they write something down, so it's beneficial for them, but it's also beneficial for others also, it's just that bit more beneficial for them. :)

7. Memorise the structure

You don't have to memorise your speech word-for-word, only if you want to. Memorising the structure and layout of your speech is a far easier and quicker thing to do. Then after you've done this, as long as you have a quite in-depth knowledge of your speech and what's included in each part, then you can talk about it when you're in the moment. Of course it would be wise to rehearse it so you become at least familiar with this concept. If you do use this technique then you wont be as rigid when delivering it and it should hopefully be more spontaneous.   

8. Memory cards

Get yourself some cards that are large enough to write sections of your speech in bold clear writing but are yet small enough to fit inside a trouser pocket. At various points throughout the day take out these cards and read through them, trying to memorise them if possible. You can either memorise them word-for-word or just the general outline - whichever is better for you.

When you're performing your speech, you can use them as prompts for certain sections. You just need a quick glance down for you to have read a couple of words, and that should hopefully be enough to jog your memory and allow you to get going with your speech.     

Detail: How to Memorise a Speech

0 How to Handle Criticism

Accepting criticism is a tough thing to do and can easily cause friction/tension between people and their relationship with each other. 

When you feel you're doing something perfectly, and then are criticised about it, it's extremely easy to just say that they're wrong and that, you know for a fact, that you're right.

As it happens this is what I used to do, sometimes still do (although still working at not doing), but there are better ways to deal with criticism than what can be sometimes so 'instinctual'. 

1. Why are they saying this?

Firstly, you need to decide why this person or people are telling you this. If it's just as a joke, then of course, there's no harm intended. If it's meant spitefully, because the person or people is/are jealous, then you can just ignore it. 

However, 95% of the time this isn't the case, and the person is genuinely trying to help. So try to look at what you're doing from outside the big picture, meaning you will need to take a large perspective of the situation.

2. Imagine how they feel

Receiving criticism is tough, but sometimes giving criticism is just as, if not harder than receiving it. 

Like I mentioned in point #1, if the person is genuinely trying to help, try to imagine yourself in their position and think how hard this could be for them. They're saying it for a reason, so be thankful that they had the courage to tell you about it.

3. Pride comes before a fall

A problem I have and am really trying to sort out is pride, and the phrase 'pride comes before a fall' really is a true one. Many times we won't accept criticism because we don't like to be wrong or to feel 'less of a person'. I know it sounds silly, but it is a common reason why criticism can't be taken.

I would say that you're more of a person for accepting criticism than rejecting it.

4. Learn from it

Once you've understood why you've been criticised, you can now begin thinking about how you could have gone about the situation better. 

Hindsight is an excellent tool, and if you're really honest with yourself, it can help you to become a better person. 

Learning from experiences (including others) is in my opinion, still one of the greatest ways to improve your actions.

5. Discuss

Discuss with the person/people who directed the criticism your way, what improvements could be made.

Asking for advice (especially from the person giving the criticism) can help strengthen your relationship with that individual, and also shows that you're listening.

Also try to discuss (not argue) why you did it your way, but don't let this let you reject what is being said. Discuss the points they've made and review them in your head. 

If however, you know that their way is a much better idea than yours, you don't really need to discuss the reasons for your point, just go with the flow.

I hope this post has been of help. :)

Detail: How to Handle Criticism