0 How to Deal with a Break Up

Break ups can be hard to take, especially for those of you on the receiving end. Emotions are normally running high and our rationality isn't what it usually might be, and you may feel like this for quite some time depending on how bad it has affected you.  
Of course I'm not saying that you will be fine once you've read this post or any other post regarding a break up because that's not realistic, but I hope that these tips will at least help you to better deal with your break up than you would otherwise and helps you to return to your usual self again sooner than you may have done.

1. Mull it Over

Whether you are the person who caused the break up or are the person who was on the receiving end of the break up, take time to think things through. I'm not talking about maybe taking 10-15 minutes to think, I'm talking about having a proper think about what has happened. What was the reason for the break up? There might be none that you can think of but for the break up to have happened there must have been one. Maybe it was because of a fault on your behalf, maybe on the other persons behalf? I don't know.
Whatever the reason is, those who have been in a relationship and have broken up are normally affected, and so should take the time to think about what has happened. It's healthy for you to sort things out in your mind and make clear of shady areas.

2. Don't Dwell

After mentioning that it would be good for you to have a proper think about what has happened and to sort things out in your head, as it's something that can be hard for you to get your head around, I will now say don't constantly think about it. A common trap that people fall into is that they start to 'dwell'. If you dwell too much on why your relationship has ended and on why you aren't still together you may start to develop some unhealthy mind-sets. I know it's easy for me to say this, I mean how can you not think about it if it has particularly hurt you? I say this because this is an unhealthy mindset to take up and can lead to other unhealthy behaviours such as obsession, jealousy and revenge, this will NOT help you deal with the break up at all - they will make the situation worse. 

3. Don't go Back on Your Words

If you were the one who did the breaking up, stick to your decision and don't go back to your ex. I'm saying this because if it hasn't worked up to now (hence your break up) why will it work if you were to go back there? Also it's not fair on the other person to put them through that, it's playing with their emotions. If however, they have done something to deserve you breaking up with them then I would say that it will probably be unfair on you if you were to get back together with them.

Also, if you are rethinking about the decision then chances are is because you are reminiscing about the good times, the romantic/flirty times, not the bad times. The parts that you miss most about the relationship will be roaming your mind but in reality will it just go straight back to that?
Your ex will understand how you feel...right?Don't assume that at all, although it sounds harsh - you must accept the situation and carry on with your life.

4. Don't Hate

After a break up, it can be more than easy to turn those feelings of affection/love for your ex into anger and in some cases hatred. For whatever reason you feel like they deserve all of your anger, I would advise against it. Although I can understand the anger and understand that you might not be best friends right now (or that you may never go back to being friends), it is an unhealthy mind-set to have. You will be doing yourself no favours, whist you may feel like they deserve it, it is definitely not going to help you deal with your break up. Anger can also lead to obsessive behaviour regarding your ex and jealousy...not a good place to be.

If you go through the anger-stage, it may not even be your ex who you are directing your anger towards. It may be yourself you are angry at, even if you didn't do anything wrong. This is more common than it sounds. After a break up people are angry at themselves for maybe not noticing the signs, or for making the choice to get together with the other person in the first place.
It is a waste of energy to beat yourself up, it won't change what has happened, it's best to move on.

5. Talk to Friends and Family

Of course in a situation like this many people want to be comforted, someone to talk to about what has happened. Talk to friends and family members who will understand what you are going through and how you are feeling. They will often offer the help and support that you need to cope with the situation, especially for those who wear their heart on their sleeve.

6. Write Your Feelings Down

For some people talking to people close to them may not be as helpful (or an option) as writing their feelings down. Writing your feelings down is similar to talking to others in the fact that you are getting your emotions out, however instead of others knowing how you feel you are dealing with your emotions yourself.
It's quite amazing how much writing things down help and really brings to life some of those thoughts and emotions that you have been bottling up.

7. Give Yourself Space

If you both now can't stand the sight of each other and have unfortunately fallen out completely, then it is going to be pretty easy to have space from each other as you wont want to see each other. However, if you two have decided to stay as friends, or even as best friends, make sure that you have some space. If you stay as friends and continue to have regular contact with each other, it can be very easy to revert back to a relationship or to things you might regret. If that's what you want then I suppose you wouldn't mind, but you need to ask yourself is that really what you want? Is it really worth it and what will you be gaining by going back there? Also, not to mention after a break up your emotions are going to be having a tug-of-war with you and things can easily become confusing.

I would suggest taking a break away from him/her, not having any contact. I'm talking about no face-to-face contact, no texts, no emails, no Facebook, no phone calls, no letters, no being around his family members, etc. Of course, I know that having no contact with your ex is going to be impossible for some of you, for example if you work together.

8. Keep Active and Busy

If your break up has hit you particularly hard, try to keep as active and as busy as possible. I say this because when something is weighing heavily on our minds and we don't have much to be doing, we can start to dwell on it (point #2), which can lead to our moods spiralling downwards. Making sure that you are active and busy, whilst you can still think about your break up, will also keep your mind occupied with doing what you are doing. Don't allow yourself to stop functioning, keep pushing forward.

9. Have a Routine

This tip ties in with tip #8 of keeping active and busy, and that is to have a routine. After a break up it is normal for your daily routine to have been disrupted and thrown out of balance, so having a routine/plan is going to be a very helpful thing to have on hand. You will know what you are doing for the day without having to think about it. A break up can amplify and worsen stress and chaos making things a bit hectic, but having that routine set in place will help you to deal with that.
A post of mine you may want to read: Things-to-do-Today List.

10.  Avoid using Food, Drugs or Alcohol as a Means to Escape

I'm not saying that you are of course going to turn to the bottle when you are feeling down, but some people when they are feeling down (or as down as they might be after a break up) may turn to something for comfort. This may be food, alcohol, drugs, etc.. You should find a better and healthier way of helping you cope with your break up.

Conclusion

Break ups can be a sensitive topic, so I hope that I haven't sounded too harsh or dismissive with anything that I have said. If you are going through a break up, whatever the reason for it, I hope that these tips have helped.

Detail: How to Deal with a Break Up

0 How to Stop Lying

Lying is certainly a bad thing and is such an easy habit (once you've got into it) to continue and do more and more often, even for those little things that you don't need to lie about. It may sound strange but compulsive lying can become almost like an addiction to some people, and in bad cases sees them going to therapists as a last resort because they can't not lie. If you are in a situation where you need to come-clean about lying, then a post of mine that you may find useful is: How to Tell Someone You Lied.

Lying is one of the fastest ways for you to make a person doubt you and consider you untrustworthy, which is not something (I presume) you would want. Here are some tips to help you stop lying.


1. Ask yourself why you lie

Why do you lie? What is the point of it? Whatever the reason, it normally is a bad habit formed in our younger years which we continue throughout the rest of our lives. Sometimes there is a root reason to why you lie, for example: wanting to get your own way; maybe to make yourself look better; you feel like you're always going to hurt someone by telling the truth? Knowing the reason can help you to make the changes in your life that are going to make it easier not to lie.

2. Think about what you say

Thinking about what you say is easier said than done but is something that is vital if you are trying to stop lying. We have a brain and we know what we are saying or are going to say, so use it to make sure that you don't tell lies and that you use it to speak the truth. You and you alone are responsible for what you say and are accountable for what comes out of your mouth - so before lying about something, stop and think, make the right decision not to lie and tell the truth.

Answering too fast can often cause you to instantly just blurt out a lie, but in reality you don't have to answer in a split-second, you are allowed to take time and think about what you say - you're not going to be in the wrong for doing that. So also make sure that you take the time to think about our answer because if you aren't giving yourself enough time to think then what is the point in trying to think in the first place?

3. Avoid White Lies

While you may consider white-lies to be completely harmless and something that won't hurt anybody, they are still in fact lies no-matter how you sugar-coat them. As they are still lies, telling them still keeps you in the mindset of thinking-up and the telling of lies, which is a mindset you want to try and get away from because if you can think of and say white lies then you will be able to think up and tell 'non-white' lies just as easily.

When I was younger you could have said that I was a compulsive lier and told as many white-lies as I did 'normal lies', and as a result was known to people who knew me well to be a lier - and that was not something that I wanted to be known for. So when I was trying to stop compulsively lying, I made an effort to make sure that I told no 'white-lies' so that I would get out of the habit of lying completely. This did in fact help a lot.

4. Don't make Excuses

When you tell a lie - you've told it and it can't be unsaid. You must deal with the consequences of that said lie (if you come to face any). Excuses are not a valid 'get out of jail' free card and make it excusable for you to have told that lie or to keep on telling them. If you go on that mindset then you can pretty much find an excuse to any lie you could tell.
Excuses are just an excuse to carry on lying and to justify lying, so stop making excuses to why you are lying and accept that you were wrong to have told the lie and it is something you are not planning on doing again. 

5. Reputation

Reputation isn't the be-all and end-all of everything, and that isn't what I'm going to try and argue. What I am going to stress is that what you do will have an affect upon how people view you. So if you tell lies and people know that you tell lies, you are going to get the reputation of a lier - which will lead to people majorly distrusting you. It also includes people who don't know you, if you are known as being a lier, they're already going to have that view of you before even getting to know you properly.

If you do have this reputation and this is one of the reasons why you are trying to stop lying - don't expect it to go away just like that. Restoring your reputation can be a very hard and long process to do once you've destroyed it. Carry on being truthful and over time your reputation as a lier will slowly dissolve.

6. Understand that it may be Considered Hurtful

Getting caught lying and dealing with the consequences is one of the negatives of lying, but sometimes the consequence doesn't just affect you. A lie can sometimes hurt a person on the receiving end very much, maybe because you withheld information and so leads to them feeling like you distrust them or don't value them enough as a person to tell them the truth. In these situations friendships/relationships can be torn apart. You may be thinking that this is an exaggeration but it isn't and is a very real consequence of lying. 

"A lie cannot live"

Martin Luther King, Jr.

Detail: How to Stop Lying

0 Benefits of Rivalry

Are you the top of your class? Are you seeing achievements in a certain field? Are you considered good at what you do? It doesn't matter if the answer is yes or no to these questions because whatever your skill-level is in any particular field there is always going to be someone somewhere who is around your skill-level or better. 
If that person is someone you know and see from time to time then there is a chance that a rivalry could be instigated - especially if they notice that you are level-pegging with them or bettering them.
Rivalries can definitely be beneficial:


1. You Push Yourself Harder

The main benefit (in my opinion) that a person will receive from any rivalry is that they will try harder and push themselves to make sure that they are better than their rival. If you are in competition with someone and are trying to keep up or better them, then it is only natural for you to push yourself harder and to try and take yourself to the next level.

Don't think that you will be the only one in the rivalry to benefit from this. Your rival will also want to try and beat you so will in turn also make sure that they are more serious about pushing theirself.

2. Motivation

We all become unmotivated at some point or another and find it easier to have a 'day-off' and take it easy. Another benefit that you can see about having a rivalry is that it can help keep you motivated. As your rival is most likely going to want to be better than you, you can be sure that they are going to be trying hard to make sure that they do become superior to you. Having this in mind can help to drive you forward and keep you going so that you don't let your rival get ahead of you.

In the past when I wasn't feeling very motivated to push myself, and I had a rival, I would think of them and reason with myself that they will be trying hard to get better than me whether I'm having a day-off or not - and this would help drive me onward even when I really didn't feel like continuing. Rivalry is one of those few things that can really ramp-up your motivation and help propel you towards your goal.

3. Speed of Improvement

This benefit is conditional on whether or not you are receiving benefit #1 (pushing yourself), but chances are; like in most rivalries, you are. As rivalries will cause a vast majority of people to try harder and push themselves that much more than they normally would, in turn they are generally going to see a greater rate of improvement because they are consciously trying to make a greater level of improvement than their rival is. 

This benefit is often unmentioned when rivalry is spoken about. You normally will hear about how a rivalry will cause you to push yourself harder than you normally would, but often because of that benefit you are going to increase the rate of your improvement. It is something that should be kept in mind.

4. Gets you Used to Failure

In an intense rivalry with someone who is on equal-footing with you, you aren't always going to be able to outdo them. You will experience successes and failures both of which are good for you to get used to, particularly failure if you are someone who is not familiar with the concept.

Failure is a life experience that is good for you to be able to cope with because failure is, if we like it or not, a part of life and is something everybody will experience at one point.
Like with most things, people who have experienced failure(s) will be better at coping with it than people who have always seen success. There's nothing wrong with a person seeing success after success, however, people who never really know what failure is, when they do fail have a much harder time dealing with it. Sometimes it can destroy their aspirations completely and really have a negative effect on them - but as is life and we must get used to what it throws at us. 

Conclusion

Rivalry can be a very intense and serious thing, but also a very rewarding and beneficial thing if approached with the right attitude. A rival can become someone who you can trust not to go easy on you, someone who will help to make you better through you trying to better them. Maybe over time you will gain a mutual respect for one-another. 

 "The pressure people put on themselves and the rivalry between the teams is much more marked. And I think that's a good thing. As long as that rivalry remains within the spirit of competition, it can only spur everyone on."

- Eric Cantona

Detail: Benefits of Rivalry

0 Trust Works Both Ways

In a very recent post of mine: 'Why is Trust Important in a Relationship' I talked about why trust was one of the foundations upon which any and all relationships are based for them to work. In any relationship you will want trust to be apparent between you otherwise your relationship will not function nearly as well as it could or it won't work at all.

It's so easy in a relationship to just take take take and expect a lot from the other party. It is a very easy trap to fall into and is something that we are all guilty of sometimes. Overlooking ourselves and focusing on another is part of human-nature but can cause a lot of trouble if you are not careful. The reason why it is troublesome is because you should make sure that you are acting in a trustworthy manner before you go accusing the other person. If you are honest and you notice that you are an untrustworthy individual then this hypocrisy will cause more tensions and will not be received well. 

It is not fair to hold another individual to a standard and yet you yourself completely disregard that standard. If you were to be told not to do something or to be wary of doing something and yet the person who told you did it themselves, I would imagine that you would be either angry, irritated, or annoyed by them - this may then make you ignore them and decide that if they are doing it then you are going to do it too?, even if actually it is the wrong thing to be doing although they themselves are doing it anyway.

Trust is something that is a two-way act. It cannot and does not work properly if one party totally brushes it off to one side, it needs both parties to understand and commit to it. So with this in mind make sure that in your relationships you are building it upon trust which you both display.

Detail: Trust Works Both Ways

0 Why is Trust Important in a Relationship?

Trust is foundational in any relationship. Why is it foundational? Why does it matter? Well to answer these I first need you to imagine what a relationship would be like without trust? What could you say to them?, how could you divulge your feelings to them? 
Trust is not something that can be easily gained but very easily destroyed. Trust IS important, trust IS necessary, and trust IS foundational to any and all relationships - and in this post I am going to highlight some reasons why trust is important. 
Here are two related posts that you may like to read: How to Gain Trust: 4 Tips and 6 Means to Regain Trust.

1. Dependability

Having a level of trust will mean that you are dependable and that is something that is essential in a relationship. If someone is trustworthy then you know that you can depend on them whatever the circumstance.
The other person in the relationship will want to be able to rely on you also and having the assurance that they can do so, it is something that works both ways.

2. Openness

Without trust how can you be open with one another? Openness is where you can share information with each other, personal and private information, and have the confidence that they will be not only understanding but also trustworthy enough not to run around telling everyone. Think what it would be like in a relationship if you couldn't be open with one another because the trust didn't exist - who could you turn to in times of hardship, how could you express some of you deepest emotions with that person if you couldn't trust them, and how could they do the same with you if they couldn't trust you?

3. Less Stress

If you can't trust somebody then it is likely that anxiety will become a factor in your daily life. A relationship without trust will cause stress and will likely cause friction between the two of you. How can you relax when trust is not one of the foundations which your relationship is built upon?, thus stress and anxiety will arise, possibly forcing your relationship apart.
Having trust will mean that there won't be the need to worry about the other person, anxiety and stress if you have any wont be the result of trust issues.

Detail: Why is Trust Important in a Relationship?

0 10 Ways to Become Less Clingy

Being clingy, whilst shows that you have strong feelings for your partner, can become an annoyance and in more extreme cases push them away from you. Of course your partner will be thrilled that you want to be with them and spend time talking with them, what they won't appreciate however is you acting almost obsessively over them, not letting them have their own free time and life.

When someone in the relationship makes clear that they would like some space, it is a big indication to how clingy a person is.
Follow these tips and you should be able to become less clingy.

1. Know your Behaviour

I've said this many times before and this certainly won't be the last time that I'm going to mention it: When wanting to change a bad habit you have to first acknowledge that you have one. If the acknowledgement of your problem is not there then what are you planning on changing, if you don't see a bad habit then why bother? So this is the first and foremost step in tackling this predicament. 

2. Where's the Trust

Clinginess often stems from trust issues that the clingy individual has. Whatever the reason for why they have them, a relationship with no trust just won't work. Maybe their trust issues were sparked due to an earlier life incident that left them emotionally scarred, which is often how people develop a habit to not trust others, and over the years can become increasingly worse.

Don't let your distrust of your partner cause you to say rash things or to make you say accusations against them, based on just how you feel.
Talk to your partner about your trust problems and explain that you have a hard time trusting people, and that it isn't directed at them intentionally - it's just a part of you that you would like to change and overcome.

Your partner is there to support you in times like this, and if you want to work through these issues then they will be willing (I would hope so) to help in any way possible. There is no quick-fix to serious trust issues, but with a change to your perspective upon things; the support of those around you; and time, you should get there in the end.

3. Don't be so Anxious

Anxiety is often linked to stress and normally has roots deep within the person. Maybe it's because you can't handle everything that is going on in your life and feel that everything is getting on top of you? 
When you become stressed, anxious, or panicky, whilst its an indication that you feel like you have to worry about something, remember: what situation gets better through worrying and getting yourself worked up?

Here are two articles that you may want to read: '8 Unconventional Ways to Fight Anxiety' and 'The Common Causes of Stress and how to Deal with it'.

4. Have other Commitments

A great way to stop clinginess or at least reduce it is by leading a busy fulfilling life - easier said than done. Try to include things in your life that you could do regularly and look forward to doing. Take up a hobby that you would like to pursue, join a club of some sorts, make sure that you have something that occupies your time. 
If you don't have much going on apart from work or education etc, then it is very easy for you to want to spend all of your free time with your partner or best friend, but if your life has at least one fun/rewarding activity - your week can become much more fulfilling. You could then add another activity to your weekly/monthly list and slowly fill your schedule, having a balanced life between your 'own time' and the time which you spend with your partner or best friend(s).

5. Build Confidence

Another possible reason for clingy behaviour could be down to an insecurity and lack of self-confidence. You may have fears that you are always going to remain alone and that you will never find someone to settle down with. A lot of people have these fears but it doesn't mean that you need to be clingy when you do meet someone.
These sort of fears can cause clingy people to become overly-clingy if they meet someone because they have a genuine fear of losing them - but sadly clinginess can quite often have that effect and end up pushing them away, no-one really wants to be feel smothered 24/7 in a relationship.

If you are more self-confident and are happier with yourself as a person then you probably won't be so obsessive with making sure that you don't lose people when you meet them (not meaning to sound harsh there). The point is that a bit of self-confidence could do the world of good with helping you in this situation.

6. Have your own goals

This is very similar to having commitments. Having your own goals are things that you must strive for if you want to achieve, and therefore must include dedicating some of your time towards. These goals can be as simple or as difficult as you like. Some example: training for a sporting event, getting in better shape, revising for an degree, etc. 

Here's an article that you may find interesting relating to this topic: Why you Need a Goal.

7. Learn to Spend Time Alone

The majority of clingy people don't like spending time alone and prefer to spend 98% of their time with other people. If you are always spending time with other people, when there comes a time when you are alone and need to occupy yourself, you are going to find it hard to not get bored spending that time by yourself unless you have something to do.

Spending time by yourself does not mean you can't do anything and that you have to be bored.

• Go Shopping - You can look at what you want and aren't under the constraints of others.
• Go for a Walk - Take yourself for a walk. The fresh air and exercise are great for your body and the time can help you clear your head. 
• Draw or Read - Drawing and reading are two great ways to pass the time and can become something that you look forward to doing. Here are two articles that you may find interesting: 'How to get Better at Drawing' and '10 Benefits of Reading'.
• Take up a Hobby - As mentioned in point #4, a hobby can become more than something to pass the time when you are alone, it can also become a commitment that you purposefully make time to do.

8. Don't Assume that People want you to take Care of them


Clingy people may feel the need to take care of others, I put emphasis on the 'need'. They feel like they need to give advice and pointers for other peoples situations when in fact the other person doesn't need it. Sometimes others will want you for your advice but don't assume that everybody needs it or wants, it can be very easy to come across as patronising. Give it when they ask, don't act like their mother. 

9. Give People Space

Everybody needs their own space and won't appreciate someone else glued to their side constantly, even in a relationship this can become very annoying. Learn to give others the space they need, it's not the end of the world if you don't see them every single day of the year. 

I'm not suggesting that you don't spend time together or that it is wrong to spend a lot of time together but when that becomes your life, and you get to the point where all you want to do is spend time with that person and they don't have room to breath...I think it would be very wise to take a step back.  
Giving space doesn't only mean not being with them but also refraining from texting/messaging/phoning them as this will still have the same smothering effect. 

Try to read some signs that may indicate that this person wants some space. For example: he/she may not be answering your calls or texts as often, maybe they mention how they have a lot of things to do during the next week or so. By giving people space they will come to enjoy your company more when they do see you, and the same is true vice versa.

10. Be Aware of what you say

Clingy people may not even realise they are doing this, to others on the receiving end though it is quite common to notice clinginess through what they do 'and' also by what they say. For example: Things like: "Where have you been, why didn't you tell me?", "Why didn't you call me straightaway when you finished work?". These may seem like absolutely innocent questions to you but to the person on the receiving end it can easily come across as accusations and give the impression of an interrogation-like conversation, highlighting the clinginess. 

Try to imagine if it was you who was always being questioned, would you be so receptive? Someone always wanting to know where you've been, what you're doing, who you've been with, how long you were there for, why you didn't let them know sooner, etc. 
I'm not saying you can't ask these questions, I'm saying be aware of how often you ask these questions and the tone of your voice when you do - these little things can make a lot of difference. 

Conclusion

Becoming less clingy, like a lot of ingrained habits, is a hard process to break. However, like any ingrained habit with persistence and self discipline you can overcome it. Whether these tips or others are used, I hope that any clingy people reading this who want to break free of it succeed.

Detail: 10 Ways to Become Less Clingy